thistlegirl

trying to look on the sunny side

2009-10-13T16:14:00.003-04:00

There is always someone somewhere with worse problems than your own. Always someone struggling much worse than yourself.

I'm just having a down day, feeling bogged down by things I need to do and want to do and feeling like things are un-achievable.

I'm tired of being patient with myself. I need to see some results, but of course results don't come with no effort on my part.

SO EXCITED!

2009-10-06T13:29:00.004-04:00

The NY Sheep & Wool Festival is coming up on Oct. 17 & 18th. I'm so very excited! I can't wait to immerse myself in my craft and enjoy the fall colors up in Rhinebeck, NY. Hopefully I'll come home with a few treasures as well.

10 days to go and I can barely contain myself!

Autumn

2009-09-26T14:45:00.004-04:00

I love this time of year. The changing leaves, the cooler weather. Change fills me with hope and possibility. I feel the need for change in my life right now.

2009-09-26T14:26:00.003-04:00

Bear in mind that the wonderful things you learn in your schools are the work of many generations. All this is put in your hands as your inheritance in order that you may receive it, honor it, add to it, and one day faithfully hand it on to your children.

-Albert Einstein

2009-09-26T14:22:00.001-04:00

Meditate.
Live purely. Be quiet.
Do your work with mastery.
Like the moon, come out
from behind the clouds!
Shine

-Buddha

2009-09-26T14:20:00.000-04:00

"I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time."

-Jack London, American Author

2009-09-26T03:56:00.003-04:00

Every day, passion speaks to us through our feelings. that's why when you allow yourself to become anesthetized by what others think, you literally block yourself from living the life you were called to live. I promise you that if you make a choice that doesn't please your mate, your friends, your mother, or whoever, the world will not fall apart -- the people who truly love you want you to love yourself. and as you become clearer about who you really are, you'll be better able to decide what is best for you -- the first time around.
-Oprah Winfrey

The majority of us lead quiet, unheralded lives as we pass through this world. There will most likely be no ticker-tape parades for us, no monuments created in our honor. But that does not lessen our possible impact, for there are scores of people waiting for someone just like us to come along; people who will appreciate our compassion, our unique talents. Someone who will live a happier life merely because we took the time to share what we had to give. Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have a potential to turn a life around. It's overwhelming to consider the continuous opportunities there are to make our love felt.
-Leo Buscaglia

Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.
-Rainer Maria Rilke

Realize that true happiness lies within you. Waste no time and effort searching for peace and contentment and joy in the world outside. Remember that there is no happiness in having or in getting, but only in giving. Reach out. Share. Smile. Hug. Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself.
-Og Mandino

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours.
-Ayn Rand

And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
-Anais Nin

Be content with what you have, rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.
-Lao Tzu

2009-09-26T03:54:00.001-04:00

If you were all alone in the universe with no one to talk to, no one with which to share the beauty of the stars, to laugh with, to touch, what would be your purpose in life? It is other life, it is love, which gives your life meaning. This is harmony.
-Mitsugi Saotome

2009-09-26T03:45:00.000-04:00

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
Steve Jobs

quote

2008-04-21T22:52:00.001-04:00

Sometimes it's easier to say you are sorry, than to ask for permission.
~ Mark Grimmette

quote of the day

2008-04-09T08:28:00.000-04:00

"Most of our obstacles would melt away if, instead of cowering before them, we should make up our minds to walk boldly through them."

-- Orison Swett Marden

gratitude

2008-02-24T12:16:00.002-05:00

Today I am grateful for

pleasant weekends at home to relax
a nice new warm and snuggly comforter (the old one exploded!... yes feathers EVERYWHERE!)
lots of snuggling time
talking about future family trips.
family planning :)
spending time with friends.

gratitude

2008-02-18T09:23:00.002-05:00

I need to be more thankful for my life, so hopefully you'll be seeing more lists like this:

Today I am grateful for...

taking the day off to relax before my dr. appt.
having someone wonderful to hold my hand when I'm scared
again, that same wonderful someone to walk this journey with.
quiet moments
finishing a knitting project, and thinking about the recipients... hoping they like them.

still here... still growing...

2008-02-14T08:16:00.002-05:00

I'm still here. Just been very quiet this year. Still learning, still growing. Taking it one step at a time.

heavy heart

2007-11-22T01:02:00.000-05:00

lately i've just felt heavy hearted. I suppose I should be happy. lots of good things happening in my life. Hope to hear something back about blood tests so we can move forward with our "family", our 10 year anniversary, a vacation is in sight, the holidays, family and friends. But sometimes dark clouds over shadow those good things.

And sometimes the smallest things will set me off.

and leave me gloomy. And sometimes it feels easier to just be that way.

you'd think I'd learn by now that sadness gets me no where. yet I can't shake it.

growth

2007-11-16T22:36:00.001-05:00

Growth means change: Change your attitudes, perspectives, patterns and habits.

~SARK

if you're going through hell

2007-11-16T16:54:00.000-05:00

Well you know those times
When you feel like there's a sign there on your back
Says I don't mind if ya kick me
Seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You'd think they can't get worse than that
And then they do

You step off the straight and narrow
And you don't know where you are
Use the needle of your compass
To sew up your broken heart
Ask directions from a genie
In a bottle of Jim Beam
And she lies to you
That's when you learn the truth

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Well I been deep down in that darkness
I been down to my last match
Felt a hundred different demons
Breathing fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled
I'd fall right into the trap that they were laying, yeah

But the good news
Is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holding out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one's that you've been dragginig for so long
You're on your knees
You maight as well be praying
Guess what I'm saying

If your going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows your there

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If your scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows your there

Yeah, If your going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there
Yeah, you might get out
Before the devil even knows your there.

If You're Going Through Hell - Rodney Atkins

fear

2007-11-12T23:03:00.000-05:00

. . Find a fear
stand it against a wall
and rage at it,
see who is stronger.

. . . fear explored can be a powerful ally . . . ~ sark

once upon a time...ten years ago.

2007-10-29T22:06:00.000-04:00

once upon a time....

there was a boy...

and a girl...

walking along the a beach in Narragansett, RI...

when the boy began writing in the sand...

will you marry me...? and got down on one knee. and she said... yes.

(sunset October 30, 1997)

dream come true!

2007-10-14T22:44:00.000-04:00

Look where I went yesterday!

I love this place! I found myself quietly telling myself to be cool. And many times I resisted the urge to squeal as I turned every corner, not to mention walking through a warehouse of yarn.

And I have to give it to the very best husband in the whole world who patiently walked around with me (carrying a basket for me to put my treasures into) but loved watching me get so excited over this place. Not to mention he LOVED the resident cat that roams about the store and is extremely friendly!

what an awesome day :) I need to take pictures of my treasures.

happiness is...

2007-10-11T22:04:00.000-04:00

making a warn new connection with someone and discovering a great friend. :)

wisdom

2007-10-08T01:06:00.001-04:00

"...we need to abandon the idea that wisdom is knowing everything—the whys, the wherefores, the how-tos. Wisdom is often more subtle, both far simpler and exceedingly more complex. For wisdom requires the discerning, the listening to, the acknowledgement of nudges and notions, of senses and sensations, of the minute and what we often mistakenly assume is the mundane. Wisdom means listening to the still, small voice, the whisper that can be easily lost in the whirlwind of busyness, expectations, and conventions of the world....”

-- Jean M. Blomquist

“Nine-tenths of wisdom is appreciation. Go find somebody’s hand and squeeze it, while there’s time.”

-- Dale Dauten

“To finish the moment, to find the journey’s end in every step of the road, to live the greatest number of good hours, is wisdom.”

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

still learning

2007-10-02T07:42:00.000-04:00

After all this time. I'm still learning. Still finding my way. Following a path. Sometimes I get a little lost, but I know I'm never far from it. Never far from where I'm supposed to be, never far from whom I love. (I love that!)

Having a path to follow may sound like it has boundaries, or confining. I choose where it goes, and how wide it spans. My life, my world. my path.

And it usually takes me to some pretty amazing places. Challenging, no doubt.

one thing at a time

2007-09-28T08:12:00.000-04:00

I seem to be overwhelmed lately with work and I'm neglecting my "real" self. I need to take things one at a time. and eventually it will all get done.

I'm trying to stay strong, but it's hard when I feel myself slowly breaking down.

And the worst part it is, there is only more work. There is no break ahead. No light at the end of the tunnel. Just more work. Makes it hard to get up in the morning.

Breathe. This too will pass. Breathe. You can do this.

ravelry

2007-09-23T17:35:00.000-04:00

I got my ravelry invite today! haha, I'm SO excited!

quiet

2007-09-20T22:37:00.000-04:00

Just feeling quiet tonight.... lately... Lots going on in my head, but I don't feel strong enough to share.

Same stuff, just having one of those years... :(

Keep hoping. maybe someday will be good enough. maybe someday the time will be right.

sorry to be cryptic. but I guess it's kind of my style.

not sure anyone reads this much anyway.

bumpy

2007-09-07T08:26:00.000-04:00

I've been feeling a bit bumpy these last few days. Sure there is that little thing called a visit from Aunt Flo, but, sometimes I wonder if it is a bit deeper than that.

A little tiredness. A little heartache. I wake from obsessive bad dreams of losing important people in my life.

And that stuff sticks in my head all day.

Where is that peace that I had a few days ago. Where is that trust I felt sure was as solid as a brick wall.

When will I waver back from obsessive and scared to okay again?

peace

2007-09-03T22:35:00.001-04:00

IMG_0343
Originally uploaded by thistlegirldawn

this weekend has been just what I needed. just when I was feeling at the end of my rope at work, a 3-day-weekend!

and it was so nice to have it all to ourselves. nice car rides, beautiful weather, no "plans".

today we drove up to the Vanderbuilt mansion in Hyde Park, NY. The weather was warm and perfect. And it was so relaxing to just walk around the grounds and enjoy the scenery.

fear

2007-08-31T08:08:00.000-04:00

sometimes it's okay to be scared. sometimes I just need to feel it. almost to remind me that 'I'm real."

I have a fear of the future. I don't really think about it. I don't really prepare myself for it. But I really need to start to. Take better care of myself, educate myself. I have the time. I have no more excuses. (well there are always tons of excuses.)

I think part of it is that I don't really believe in myself. I don't think I'm smart or worth anything. This has gone on for years.

It's time for me to put effort into changing this attitude. letting go of this fear. putting the effort into learning new things and being healthy and changing myself for the better.

I have the support systems. I have resources. I just have a bad tendency to wait for life to happen "to" me. I often find myself not choosing the bold choice, and staying with the safe one.

And I find myself wondering what would have happened if I chose differently.

hrm.

what I would give

2007-08-21T21:56:00.000-04:00

what I would give for a true day off. a true day of no worries, no pending work, nothing.

what I would give to be able to truly reconnect with myself. To reach in deep and feel at peace.

my brain feels like it is constantly running, fix this, do this, this, that, this that...

I need to make time for myself. find a comforting place. learn to be comfortable in my own space. and by myself.

deep breath.

“Human beings are of such nature that they should have not only material facilities but spiritual sustenance as well. Without spiritual sustenance, it is difficult to get and maintain peace of mind.”

~Dalai Lama

a V8 moment.

2007-08-07T22:30:00.000-04:00

WOW.

I was reading a post on a message board I frequent and I came across this bit of advice.

BE your highest self, regardless of the situations in your life, and the situations will shift. it really doesn't work to expect your life to change before you do. ~abc

I swear it leaped off the page at me. Even though this quote wasn't meant directly for me. It sure hit home. Lots of change is coming soon. Some of what I've asked for, and I'm sure some I will have a hard time adapting to. But it is what I make of it. Mountain, or molehill. my decision.

confucious say...

2007-07-29T00:01:00.000-04:00

“Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it”
~Confucius

birthday wishes

2007-07-28T01:08:00.000-04:00

birthday wishes to Leonie's fabulous GRANDmother! She is 90!

Go Here http://www.leonielife.com/journal/journal.htm
and leave her some wonderful birthday wishes. Leonie is trying
to get to 90 wishes just for this wonderful woman!

Now go... shooo.. post... :) :)

the emotional rollercoaster of a week.

2007-07-20T23:37:00.001-04:00

i am so very thankful for my life. i am so very thankful for the scary financial wake up call. yes, it could have been avoided. but whether you believe in god / goddess / higher power or not, I believe it was part of the "plan".

something was needed to really shake my world. make me wake up and take the next step in life. something was needed to make me mature. I really do feel ready to handle the next level of things.

I truly feel confident about our relationship. I've known from the beginning that we have something very special. That's obvious since we've not spent more than a week or two apart in 10 years!

We've completely held each other up this past week, each having our own weak moments, where we are scared, or sad or want to just sit and cry. But I truly know that together we can do anything. And I mean absolutely anything.

He is my hero. He is amazing. And I love him.

who I am

2007-07-09T21:54:00.000-04:00

who I am

fresh layer of skin, peel off. you can see a little bit of the real me. ripe. honest. insecure.

facing fears, being honest. no lies today. no hiding. just trusting. like falling from a tree and knowing that I will be caught. And you know what, I was. By the strongest hands that I know. The ones I married. my love.

I want to open up. Be myself. I want people to be able to look into me and see. Really see me. And when I speak, I want them to really know I mean what I say.

Any nastiness, must fly away... out the window, blow away with a passing storm. Any darkness should take the back door, creep down the alley in the night, never to be seen again.

and that age old monster, my jealousy nemesis. some day I will stand up to you. and that day I will be filled with strength. knowing you can never take away my heart.

this is deep. this is true. this is real. this is me.

flying freely. flying now. I am whole. I am blessed.

patience

2007-07-05T05:42:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling a little uneasy. worried about everything and nothing all at once. needing a break and to be on top of everything.

wondering lately if stress is the culprit of my body not acting as it should... for two months :(

trying not to beat myself up. just take it slow.

god I wish it were friday, even better... saturday.

I need sleep.

patience, dear one. patience. don't let the bad thoughts knocking at your door in.

quick... quick... slow.

2007-06-21T08:09:00.000-04:00

Life is almost like a dance. Sometimes you'll be going along slowly and then all of a sudden be sent on a roller coaster ride.

QUICK! QUICK!

As for me, I started on that rollercoaster, but it came crashing to a halt two days ago. I came home from work and basically just felt awful. Fever, weak, exhausted. Hot. Cold.

I'm starting to feel better today, but when you're going to fast, it really throws you off when you have to stop to be gentle with yourself and take care of yourself.

Most likely its a warning sign saying "slow down!" Stop the stressing. One thing at a time.

I'm still not feeling 100%. maybe someday I'll actually get to take a sick day, where I don't work from home. :( I suppose it is partially my fault. I feel responsible for my work and don't like to have to dump it on my coworkers. They have enough to do. Of course, I have no qualms about jumping in and helping them when they are out. I guess I should let go and relax a bit.

Everything will be alright.

I'm just feeling reluctant to get back on the rollercoaster today.

too much

2007-06-18T19:26:00.001-04:00

i'm beginning to get that overwhelmed feeling at work again. too much work. no time to do it all. and unfortunately, there is no saying 'hey sorry, I didn't get to it.' no saying, 'no' to customers.

boo. blah. sigh. ugh.

just how I'm feeling today. very blah.

i'd say it's that time of the month... but thats late too. but that usually unpredictable.

sigh.

fo's!...

2007-06-16T19:31:00.000-04:00

My very first pair of finished pair of socks! Mind you I finished last month, but I'm a slacker with uploading the pics. Anyway! I'm so proud. This was on my things to do *someday*

I used Lion Brand Cotton Ease in Lake color.

Probably not the best yarn for socks but... woo.. can't wait to wear them... in November. :P

grrr...

2007-06-15T23:36:00.000-04:00

what is wrong with me.

ever since I've gotten home from work i'm just a ball of crankiness. I feel like I'm doing my best to repress it, but damn.

Every little thing is bugging me. Music, tv shows, food. Nothing pleases me.

There is a little light at the end of the tunnel. I do have the afternoon to myself tomorrow. And it can't come fast enough.

I keep thinking I should call my sister and see if she wants to do something. She's been bugging me for weeks to. But at the same time, part of me just wants to be alone. We'll see how I feel tomorrow.

Maybe I should just get some sleep. ugh.

far off places

2007-06-13T23:06:00.000-04:00

if you ever catch me day dreaming. my mind, a million miles away... this is probably where I am.

a happy soul. staring out at loch katrine. (scotland)

reminder

2007-06-10T18:24:00.000-04:00

I have the strength of millions
I will perservere.
And break through
This wall of gloom and shadows
That I hve built up over the years.

They who believe in me are out there
Some silent, some vocal.
They're still on my side
Knowing all along, who I am

Even if I don't believe it... yet
Even if I don't see it.... yet

My strength will perservere.

6.10.2007 dmt

love. love. love.

2007-06-06T21:52:00.000-04:00

Today's Message from: The Daily Guru

Thursday 7, June 2007

Love life and yourself

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength while loving someone deeply gives you courage."

-- Lao Tzu

There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance.

We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.

"It matters not Who you love, Where you love, Why you love, When you love, Or how you love, It matters only that you love."

-- John Lennon

"Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?"

-- Frank Scully

cloudy

2007-06-04T20:25:00.001-04:00

clouds over scotland 2004
Originally uploaded by thistlegirldawn

I'm feeling very cloudy right now. My soul is. Granted there are breaks in the clouds where the sun shines through, and you can see glimpses of blue skies. but mostly, I'm cloudy.

feeling stuck, afraid I'm not good enough, afraid I'm not doing enough. worry, worry worry.

wishing I could conquer my mountains. sometimes it feels like they are only becoming more of an obstacle.

so far away

2007-06-03T17:14:00.001-04:00

coast, originally uploaded by thistlegirldawn.

this place that I've been so many times. I find myself longing for. this place where my heart is light and free. this place. is home.

no sleep for the weary

2007-05-29T07:32:00.000-04:00

Well, it's almost time for work and I've been up for hours. :( I had a terrible stomach ache last night and it came back and woke me up. Not to mention I had a crazy dream about driving a truck and giving birth. Not at the same time, mind you. ;)

Not sure why I dreamed about the truck, but as for giving birth, well, that is what I get for reading about fertility before sleeping. :P

Anyway, I'm awake. I've got some peppermint tea, and a nice quiet hour to kill before I wake him.:)

new day

2007-05-25T08:35:00.000-04:00

starting again. trying to make today better than yesterday. atleast in my world.

And a quote that would have helped yesterday...

"There is a thought in your mind right now. The longer you hold on to it, the more you dwell upon it, the more life you give to that thought. Give it enough life, and it will become real. So make sure the thought is indeed a great one."

-- Ralph Marston

argh! grow up!

2007-05-24T11:14:00.000-04:00

jealousy is the one demon that haunts me daily. I think I could conquer any others, but this one is the one that anytime I try makes me think I've outsmarted it than comes back and beats me to a pulp. :(

I can't give up. I can't let it win. I just can't.

sock

2007-05-13T21:54:00.001-04:00

sock, originally uploaded by thistlegirldawn.

My first sock! I'm so proud. bug ugh.. I gotta make another? Why do we have to have 2 feet?

Worked out pretty good for my first effort.

number 2 might have to wait a week.

quote

2007-05-07T08:31:00.000-04:00

We can revel in the luxury of being alive, with full awareness and permission to truly feel that we are enough just "as is".

-- SARK

it's my birthday...

2007-04-26T08:26:00.000-04:00

today is my 32 birthday. i've been having tons of mixed feelings about this birthay. Mostly because I'm getting older. I can feel so many things about me changing. And I worry about the thins I've not done yet. You'd think I was sprinting for a finish line. I hope that this year I can make myself see, that there is no set finish line. And I can adjust the outcome by taking care of myself and believing in myself.

one more year. so many possibilities. cheers, to me.

:)

never mind

2007-04-21T12:40:00.000-04:00

never mind.
:(

quote of the day

2007-04-09T20:21:00.000-04:00

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be."

-- Lao Tzu

angel of the morning

2007-04-03T21:52:00.000-04:00

There'll be no strings to bind your hands
Not if my love can find your heart
And theres no need to take a stand
For it was I who choose to start
I see no need to take me home
Im old enough to face the dawn

Just call me angel of the morning, angel
Just touch my cheek before you leave me
Oh my baby
Just call me angel of the morning, angel
Then slowly turn away from me

Maybe the sunlight will be dim
But it wont matter anyhow
If mornings echoes say weve sinned
Then it was what I wanted now
And if we're victims of the night
I wont be blinded by the light

Oh my baby
Just call me angel of the morning, angel
Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby
Just call me angel of the morning
Then slowly turn away from me

Baby baby baby

Just call me angel of the morning, angel
Just touch my cheek before you leave me
Oh my baby
Just call me angel of the morning, angel
Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby
Just call me angel of the morning, angel
Just touch my cheek before you leave me
Oh my baby
Just call me angel of the morning, angel

obstacles

2007-03-22T18:29:00.000-04:00

"Most of our obstacles would melt away if, instead of cowering before them, we should make up our minds to walk boldly through them."

-- Orison Swett Marden

great link

2007-03-20T21:14:00.000-04:00

I stumbled upon this link on Ali Edwards' site as I was searching for a little enlightenment this evening.

These words I believe, empower me. And inspire me. What exactly do I believe? What beliefs guide my path?

check it out.

amazing

2007-03-09T18:15:00.000-05:00

outside my window right now is an amazing sunset just over the dark hills. reds into oranges into yesllows into greens into blues. I'm am in awe.

and where is my camera...

With my husband since he needed it for work today.

Ah well. A mental picture will have to do. :)

back to enjoying my sunset. :)

it's the little things...

2007-03-07T17:12:00.000-05:00

sometimes it's the little things that put the biggest smile on my face.

I am home sick today. Of course home sick on a weds. still means 8 hours of work to do. Just from my home computer in my pajamas instead of from my work computer where the AC blows down my back even though it's 12 degrees outside.

I had a nice little message from SARK in my PM box on her board. Just a hello and that she was thinking of me. It made my whole day. :)

Also, I got some very cool yarn from a yarn swap I participated in. I'm looking forward to turning it into something cozy. :)

quote for today:

"Wherever you are is always the right place. There is never a need to fix anything, to hitch up the bootstraps of the soul and start at some higher place. Start right where you are."

-- Julia Cameron

patience

2007-03-01T22:27:00.000-05:00

As I sat and watched a video of my best friend from highschool coo at her 2 month old, I melted. I know she is a wonderful mother. Cause she always took such good care of me back then. :)

And at the same time, my heart wrenches. I'm sad. I want my turn. I know I should be patient. But I've been patient for 6 years. When is my turn? :(

I need some change in my life. I need something big. I'm not trying to be selfish or naive.

but, why. not. me? =(

gratefulness

2007-02-19T08:24:00.000-05:00

today I am grateful for...

a warm home
a weekend of morning that I could sleep in
2 snuggly cats
peace and quiet
quotes that make me think
challenges
my knee getting better and stronger every day.
a loving family

quote of the day

2007-02-11T21:43:00.001-05:00

I hope you will go out and let stories happen to you, and that you will work them, and water them with yoru blood and tears and laughter till they bloom, till you yourself burst into bloom. - Clarissa Pinkola Estes

2007-02-11T21:28:00.000-05:00

I think I should be banned from making posts during *that* time of the month. PMS always takes over and the "What If's" set up camp inside my head.

It's crazy how I can go from one end of the spectrum to the other.

As always, reminding myself to be gentle with myself and remember how important I am. And that there is a pretty special person in love with me too. :)

grrrr...

2007-02-06T21:16:00.000-05:00

just grr. jealousy. grrr.. wtf.. grrr..

*sigh*

/wtb rock to hide under. :(

let it flow

2007-01-15T18:16:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting agaist the grain. And that I'm fighting for control, or against fear of the unknown. I need to let it go. I need to trust. I need to just let it flow.

Life continually evolves. We’re always moving into new experiences, new possibilities. This constant change unsettles the personality, which finds security in stability. But with life always in flux, that security is an illusion. We experience pain by trying to hold on to things that are not solid.

Life becomes joyful when we can open to the constant flow and ride freely with it. This requires us to let go of the need to control. We need to learn to trust.

~Daily Guru.

to have surgery, or not to have surgery....

2007-01-11T21:37:00.000-05:00

that is the question.

The dr. isn't sure what is going on with my knee, but he does know that he can figure it out with surgery. Apparently minor and very common. I think I'm going to opt for an MRI, hopefully figure out what is wrong and then make the decision about surgery.

bleh. scares the crap out of me to think about it. I'm sure it's not as bad as my silly mind makes it out to be. grr. guess it doesn't help that I'm thinking about how to pay for it. I'm sure it's possible, but still... thats money that could have been going towards other bills. grr.. bleh... grr. *sigh*

anyway... I taught myself to knit cables, I'm pretty proud of me right now.

anything to get my mind off the surgery.

2007

2007-01-01T21:19:00.001-05:00

2007.

A new year. And as always lots of days to fill with hope. Lots of days to live life and accomplish the long list of things I would like to do.

I don't always get time to sit and write. But I would like to.

I didn't make any resolutions this year yet. Well, maybe I'll make one now.

This year I need to grow up. I'm getting to old to keep acting this way.

It isn't a bad thing, just something that I've been putting off and then forgot about.

new year... new quotes...

2007-01-01T21:02:00.000-05:00

"When guilt rears its ugly head confront it, discuss it and let it go. The past is over. It is time to ask what can we do right, not what did we do wrong. Forgive yourself and move on."

--Bernie S. Siege

sometimes my email affirmations read me like an open book...

2006-12-26T08:37:00.000-05:00

The Daily Guru for Monday 25th Of December 2006

Looking for safety?

"Security is when everything is settled, when nothing can happen to you; security is the denial of life."

-- Germaine Greer

Our personality likes to be in control. It likes to know how things are and what’s going to happen. Underlying this desire for stability and predictability is a deep fear that the world is a dangerous place. The personality fears it will not survive without continually being on guard.

The truth is: we cannot control what happens in life. And under the natural law of attraction, we tend to attract to us what we focus on. EXPLORE SUBSTITUTING TRUST FOR FEAR and the world becomes a gentler, happier place.

"There are no guarantees. From the viewpoint of fear, none are strong enough. From the viewpoint of love, none are necessary."

-- Emmanuel

"One thing we can do is make the choice to view the world in a healthy way. We can choose to see the world as safe with only moments of danger rather than seeing the world as dangerous with only moments of safety."

-- Deepak Chopra

the mood says it all.

2006-12-24T09:47:00.000-05:00

soooooooooooooooo excited for Christmas. I've never been happier to have 3 days off in a row. (well I'm sure I have, but this year.)

but, I have yet to wrap any of Frank's presents. haha! I'm getting there. I guess I'm saving the best part for last!

no way for me to go back to sleep now. tooooooooo cited!

thought of the day

2006-12-04T08:32:00.000-05:00

if you think you are doomed. you will be.

think change.

~me.

quotes

2006-12-01T21:48:00.000-05:00

"I’d gone through life believing in the strength and competence of others; never in my own. Now, dazzled, I discovered that my capacities were real. It was like finding a fortune in the lining of an old coat."

-- Joan Mills

"People become really quite remarkable when they start thinking that they can do things. When they believe in themselves they have the first secret of success."

-- Norman Vincent Peale

"We cannot rise higher than our thought of ourselves."

-- Orison Swett Marden

into the tunnel... and out the other side

2006-12-01T08:38:00.000-05:00

the metaphoric tunnel that is. Dad's surgery went well. Unfortunately he won't have use of his arm for 6 weeks or so. Which means, he won't have use of any arm for 6 weeks :(.

Dad was struck (stricken?) with polio when he was a baby so he only has real use of his right arm. the left arm is just kinda held in place by a pin in his shoulder and elbow (at a right angle). he can use his left hand, but it really isn't of much use without the rest of the arm.

Anyway, as he found out right away. It's going to take a lot of patience and help.

and hopefully I don't have Pink Eye so we can go over tonight and help out.

I gotta let it out...

2006-11-27T21:53:00.000-05:00

I gotta say it, cause it's eating me alive. I'm scared and worried. I'm trying so hard not to focus on the bad.

Dad goes in for minor surgery on thursday. I'm just scared cause they fucked up the first time they tried.

God help us all just make it to friday.

blah. argh. blah. argh.

2006-11-24T15:29:00.000-05:00

arrrgggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

that is all.

quote of the day

2006-11-15T21:59:00.001-05:00

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." - Lao Tzu

early morning

2006-11-07T06:48:00.000-05:00

This hasn't happened in a long time. I woke up and just couldn't sleep anymore. I will blame some of it on being worried about stuff at work. The rest is just cause I went to bed so early last night. So I suppose getting up at 6 am really isn't that strange when you went to bed at 9:30pm.

Ah well. Tuesday.

FO's!

2006-11-04T14:28:00.000-05:00

It feels so good to cast off. Especially on pieces I've been working on for months. I started a Christmas stocking back in June or July and put it down for a month or two. I picked it up last week after finishing the baby blanket. And last night. I finished the stocking.

It's not bad for my first try. A little lopsided, but made with love. I gave it to Frank. I have a special home made stocking that I use. My Grandmother made needlepoint ones for all her grandchildren. This year Frank can use his especially hand-knitted by me!

happy november

2006-11-01T08:10:00.000-05:00

as the days go speeding by, quickly into winter, and I find myself once again swamped under piles of work at the office, luckily I can find a little solitude at home and recharge with knitting or reading or just spending time with the man I love.

an old friend of mine semi-recently turned 30. And in his blog he posted some good pointers on life. A few stuck with me...

- Cherish the good moments, fond memories, and friends that once were. A good moment in history will always be a good moment, no matter how things progressed from that point on. What was, was.

- Regret nothing. The most trying moments are in fact the most interesting.

the one... the only... Terry Ford (aka Keymaster) :)

just keep knitting

2006-10-22T00:54:00.000-04:00

I've been on a roll lately. I finished two baby gifts for a friend. I'm so excited about them. I've gotta remember to take pics of them before I ship them off. I better get pics once they are being put to good use. :)

Other than that, life is moving along. Back to work, been incredibly busy with the new guy trying to catch on to everything. But he's getting it. Dad went in to have surgery and there was some complications. Somehow he had a seizure and so they decided to postpone the surgery. And I guess the worst part is that he bit his tongue pretty bad so thats nicely bruised now. Hopefully they can figure out what happened so he can go in next time and not worry. :( My poor daddy.

quotes

2006-10-07T09:57:00.000-04:00

"If you wish to travel far and fast, travel light. Take off all your envies, jealousies, unforgiveness, selfishness, and fears."

-- Glenn Clark

"Strive to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. To be too wise for worry, too tolerant for hate, and too courageous to be fearful. In short, to be happy."

-- Unknown Source

i'm back

2006-10-04T23:24:00.000-04:00

well, i'm back. well, I never really left. just spend the last week and a half away from the computer for the most part. We drove just over 1800 miles and had a blast. My inlaws were visiting from Scotland and we decided to show them all new places this time.
Narragansett Beach, RI (where my husband proposed 8.5 years ago)
Foxwoods Casino
Mohegan Sun Casino
Mystic, CT
New York City
Hyde Park, NY (Vanderbuilt mansion has some amazing views over the Hudson river)
Philly, PA
Baltimore, MD
Delaware (we stopped at the rest stop so they could smoke)
New Jersey (airport / highway / rest stop for smoke)
DC! (saw the presidential motorcade.)
and lots of time at home relaxing.

It was fun and relaxing. I'm dreading going into work tomorrow. I peaked at my emails a couple of times and went in to the office today to show the inlaws where we work and my coworker said she wasn't sure if she wanted to hug me or beat me up.

ugh. ah well.

hopefully it won't be too bad tomorrow.

Book club starts tomorrow night. Can't Wait to Get to Heaven by Fannie Flagg. Not too bad. Shh... dont' tell anyone, I haven't finished it yet!

And I'm 2/3 of the way done with the baby blanket for my friend's soon to arrive son. I gave the Big Bad Baby Blanket a try from Stitch n' Bitch.

fingers crossed I survived tomorrow back at work.

I matter.

2006-09-21T07:58:00.000-04:00

For the first time in a very long time, I feel like I matter. I actually woke up with a smile on my face, looked in the mirror and smiled at who I saw. (and I'll even admit I like her.) Maybe its the excitement of the coming days (vacation!) or just that it's that time of year, when I always gain some momentum and start to feel good.

I've been in a deep rut for about a month. Just wallowing in self pity and hatred.

But today, the sun is shining and I'm so ready take on the world! :)

personal power

2006-09-04T09:51:00.000-04:00

As a growing step for today and for this week, I will not give up my personal power. I will not let others that I know and do not know willingly take over my choices and decisions. Every moment is a choice. I choose to take control of me.

“The deep root of failure in our lives is to think, ‘Oh how useless and powerless I am.’ It is essential to think strongly and forcefully, ‘I can do it,’ without boasting or fretting.”

-- Dalai Lama

“We are no longer puppets being manipulated by outside powerful forces; we become the powerful force ourselves.”

-- Leo Buscaglia

BELIEF MAKES EVERYTHING POSSIBLE

2006-08-30T23:26:00.000-04:00

If you want to succeed,
you must first believe that you can succeed.

The only thing that stands between you
and what you want from life,
is the will to try it
and the faith to believe that it's possible.

The only true limit to your realization of tomorrow
will be your doubts of today.
The moment you carry the conviction of belief,
in that moment your dream will become reality.

If you think you can, you can.

so untrue.

2006-08-26T13:13:00.000-04:00

those words
that flew from my lips
and smacked you down

were so untrue.

how can I make you see.

i made a mistake.

please forgive me.

growing... ever so slowly

2006-08-24T08:28:00.000-04:00

For much of the past 10 years I've lived my life with eyes in the back of my head. Jealousy, making me insane, and directing my path. As if listening to anything that jealousy says would make my life better.

I wanted reassurance that my love does not go unnoticed. I wanted reassurance that my love is "enough."

I fell asleep last night and dreamed that I traveled to Australia to meet with a group of women I know online. There I was surrounded by the most amazing women. Leonie, Praxis, PG, Nixie ... so many others. All these amazing souls accepted me, loved me just as I am, wanted me to be there, just as I am. I felt so good. It was just what I needed to heal the wound on my heart.

This morning I realize, now more than ever, that if I want the jealousy in my life to go away, I have to love myself. I have to honor myself.

I have to stop putting myself last. And start putting myself first. I'm not sure if I know how to do this. But I have to learn.

(((hugs)))

jealousy

2006-08-16T22:00:00.000-04:00

jealousy should be my middle name. and I swear, some day it's going to kill me, if it already hasn't. :(

I keep saying that someday I'll conquer it. But saying it, is so much easier than actually doing it. :/

amazing women

2006-08-13T00:38:00.000-04:00

0nce again I'm feeling the cycles in my life coming to a close. and new ones beginning.

As I observe my life and the people in it. Watching their days and the words that they say, being amazed. blown away by the amazing women in my life. such vibratn succulent beings. I swear I can see their wings. I swear if you knew them, you'd see that they glow.

I sat tonight between my older cousin who radiates warmth and love and my younger cousin who was glowing and filled the room with happiness and joy. I felt so completely blessed to have these types of people in my life, enriching my journey. Loving me so much, and I, loving them in return.

I am reminded of others, who have come before, whom I do my best to walk the same path as them. My grandmother, an amazingly strong soul, who's strength was passed to me when she passed away 2 years ago. I still think of her everyday, and I smile knowing that she is a part of me always. Her strength.

Today was my younger cousin's 30th birthday. she is my soul-sister. We have always been close, but it has only been in the past 10 years that we've connected on so many more levels than just "cousins". We have connected as women. I truly call her my best friend.

My older cousin, although 10+ years older than us, has always been the cousin we've refered to as the "fun cousin". She always took the time to acknowledge us "younger" ones when we were small. And now that we are adults, it's so easy to turn to her and give back everything she gave to us. Her time, love and understanding. It is so wonderful to sit and talk and have her completely understand what is going on in my head. She really does think like me. And I don't even have to say it out loud, and she knows how I think.

I honor these women. These important women in my life. They shape my world. They mold my soul. They guide my path. And make me stronger.

you can live a lifetime...

2006-08-08T19:54:00.000-04:00

“You can live a lifetime and, at the end of it, know more about other people than you know about yourself.”

-- Beryl Markham

“To be authentic is literally to be your own author …, to discover your own native energies and desires, and then to find your own way of acting on them.”

-- Warren G. Bennis

“Self-knowledge is the great power by which we comprehend and control our lives.”

-- Vernon Howard

flowing

2006-08-02T08:04:00.000-04:00

In the morning when we wake
always remember to breathe deep.
Take it in and let it out.

All day long, take in the world around you
But always remember to let your love drift out into it too.

In and out, back and forth
Ever gently.
Ever contant.

Patience. Strength. Love.

growth

2006-08-01T23:02:00.000-04:00

“Life is growth. If we stop growing, technically and spiritually, we are as good as dead.” ~Morihei Ueshiba

wooo hooo!

2006-07-29T01:48:00.000-04:00

One night down... one to go!

The concert was fantastic and the 3rd song in was my all time favorite "Grey St."

I sang and danced my little heart out. Nothing like having the chance to sing as loud as you want (out of tune) and have no one able to hear you. (in a VERY loud crowd.)

That made my night.

Time for sleep.... then more DMB!

E-X-C-I-T-E-D!

2006-07-28T01:28:00.000-04:00

We're going to see Dave Matthews Band tonight and Saturday night! I'm so excited. I've been waiting for these concerts! I'm so looking forward to singing and dancing.

I can't believe July is almost over!?!

Just got to thinking...

2006-07-21T21:06:00.000-04:00

I was surfing through my usual blogs that I read (listed at right), and I got to thinking... "Why is it that I read these?"

I like to think that they are for inspiration. They are all amazing women. Living, struggling, just following or creating their own paths in life.

Am I envious of them? Yes. I envy their strengths. I don't feel it is a bad type of envy.

I like to think of the list as my place to go when I seek inspiration, a boost in attitude or strength.

I look forward everyday to keeping up with their stories, I enjoy reading about them and cheering them on from my little corner of the world.

And I like to think, that if they ever came across me, they too would send some good vibes my way. And cheer me on too.

2006-07-18T20:08:00.000-04:00

the fire begins to burn
I feel it deep inside.
I will not be broken.
I will perservere.

Can't you see my eyes are not blind.
Even though they sometimes flood with tears.

I see
I feel
I know all.

The fires burn.
The hurt stings.
yet, I will not be broken.
My love still perserveres.
Can't you see, my love perserveres.

7.18.2006

The Awakening

2006-07-17T08:35:00.000-04:00

THE AWAKENING - author unknown

A time comes in life when you finally get it.When in
the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop
dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside
your head cries out.ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying and blaming and
struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting
down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and
begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is
your awakening.

You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for
something to change, or for happiness, safety, and
security to magically appear over the next horizon.

You realize that in the real world there aren't
always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of
"happily ever after" must begin with you.and in the
process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and
that not everyone will always love, appreciate or
approve of who or what you are. And that's ok. They
are entitled to their own views and opinions.

You learn the importance of loving and championing
yourself.and in the process a sense of new found
confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for
the things they did to you-or didn't do for you-and
you learn that the only thing you can really count on
is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always
say what they mean or mean what they say and that not
everyone will always be there for you and that
everything isn't always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take
care of yourself.and in the process a sense of safety
and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin
to accept people as they are and to overlook their
shortcomings and human frailties.and in the process a
sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different
points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining
who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and
needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and
values you've outgrown or should never have bought
into to begin with. You learn that there is power and
glory in creating and contributing and you stop
maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer"
looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and
integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era,
but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon
which you must build a life. You learn that you don't
know everything, it's not your job to save the world
and that you can't teach a pig to sing.

You learn that the only cross to bear is the one
you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the
stake. Then you learn about love. You learn to look
at relationships as they really are and not as you
would have them be. You learn that alone does not
mean lonely. You stop trying to control people,
situations, and outcomes.

You learn to distinguish between guilt and
responsibility and the importance of setting
boundaries and learning to say no. You also stop
working so hard at putting your feelings aside,
smoothing things over, and ignoring your needs.

You learn your body really is your temple. You
begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You
begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and
take time to exercise. You learn that being tired
fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take
more time to rest. And, just as food fuels your body,
laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to
laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life
what you believe you deserve, and that much of life
truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that
anything worth achieving is worth working for and that
wishing for something to happen is different than
working toward making it happen. More importantly,
you learn that in order to achieve success you need
direction, discipline, and perseverance. You also
learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it's
ok to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing to truly fear is fear
itself. You learn to step right into and through your
fears because you know that whatever happens you can
handle it and to give into fear is to give away the
right to live life on your own terms. You learn to
fight for your life and not to squander it living
under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't
always get what you think you deserve and that
sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting good
people.and you learn not to always take it personally.
You learn that nobody's punishing you and everything
isn't always somebody's fault.
It's just life happening.

You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build
bridges instead of walls. You learn that negative
feelings such as anger, envy, and resentment must be
understood and redirected or they will suffocate the
life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds
you.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in
many of the simple things we take for granted, things
that millions of people upon the earth can only dream
about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a
soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Then, you begin taking responsibility for yourself
by yourself and to never, ever settle for less than
your hearts' desire. You make it a point to keep
smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every
wonderful possibility. You hang a wind chime outside
your window so you can listen to the wind.

Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a
stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design
the life you want to live as best you can.

When the Heart grieves over
What is lost...
The spirit rejoices over
What is left.

so sneepy

2006-07-12T15:56:00.000-04:00

I keep meaning to go to bed early, but things like... tv shows... the internet... knitting... etc... are keeping me up. I need to just relax, sleep and not worry about all the other things.

Also, it seems like everyone (well not EVERYONE) is getting pregnant. And it's not that I'm not happy for them. I just wish I was one of them. I'm trying to be patient... My turn will come... It's hard to be patient for something you've wanted for so long.

quote of the day

2006-07-04T10:23:00.000-04:00

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

~Anais Nin

quote

2006-06-30T21:07:00.000-04:00

A quote I found over at the amazing Leonie's:

"Maybe we should develop a Crayola bomb as our next secret weapon. A happiness weapon. A beauty bomb. And every time a crisis developed, we would launch one. It would explode high in the air - explode softly - and send thousands, millions, of little parachutes into the air.
Floating down to earth - boxes of Crayolas. And we wouldn't go cheap, either - not little boxes of eight. Boxes of sixty-four, with the sharpener built right in. With silver and gold and copper, magenta and peach and lime, amber and umber and all the rest. And people would smile and get a little funny look on their faces and cover the world with imagination."

~ Robert Fulghum, "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten"

Circles

2006-06-30T20:53:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I think I know right where I am headed in life and other times I look around I swear it's like I'm right back where I began. And other times I'm just completely lost.

Circles are a major theme in my life. Everything always seems to come around again. I am not saying that circles are a bad thing, infact I like that I can come "full circle" with events, thoughts, dreams... etc.

I am on this journey. I'm growing ever so slowly. I just have to remind myself that it is okay to go slowly. I'm not insearch of the destination. I am here for the journey.

On a lighter note...

birds have built a nest between the AC and the wall. (The AC is in one of those slide in units in the wall.) Toby (the cat) has pretty much permanently set up camp in front of the unit 'just incase' one decides to peck through the plastic accordian slats and the tape I have around the unit.

I'm sure the birds can get out the way they got in. It's just amusing to watch Toby sitting there with his ears perked up when he hears them scratching and fluttering their wings just out of his reach.

:)