growing... ever so slowly

Thursday, August 24, 2006

For much of the past 10 years I've lived my life with eyes in the back of my head. Jealousy, making me insane, and directing my path. As if listening to anything that jealousy says would make my life better.

I wanted reassurance that my love does not go unnoticed. I wanted reassurance that my love is "enough."

I fell asleep last night and dreamed that I traveled to Australia to meet with a group of women I know online. There I was surrounded by the most amazing women. Leonie, Praxis, PG, Nixie ... so many others. All these amazing souls accepted me, loved me just as I am, wanted me to be there, just as I am. I felt so good. It was just what I needed to heal the wound on my heart.

This morning I realize, now more than ever, that if I want the jealousy in my life to go away, I have to love myself. I have to honor myself.

I have to stop putting myself last. And start putting myself first. I'm not sure if I know how to do this. But I have to learn.