trying to look on the sunny side

There is always someone somewhere with worse problems than your own. Always someone struggling much worse than yourself.

I'm just having a down day, feeling bogged down by things I need to do and want to do and feeling like things are un-achievable.

I'm tired of being patient with myself. I need to see some results, but of course results don't come with no effort on my part.

Autumn

I love this time of year. The changing leaves, the cooler weather. Change fills me with hope and possibility. I feel the need for change in my life right now.

quote of the day

"Most of our obstacles would melt away if, instead of cowering before them, we should make up our minds to walk boldly through them."

-- Orison Swett Marden

heavy heart

lately i've just felt heavy hearted. I suppose I should be happy. lots of good things happening in my life. Hope to hear something back about blood tests so we can move forward with our "family", our 10 year anniversary, a vacation is in sight, the holidays, family and friends. But sometimes dark clouds over shadow those good things.

And sometimes the smallest things will set me off.

and leave me gloomy. And sometimes it feels easier to just be that way.

you'd think I'd learn by now that sadness gets me no where. yet I can't shake it.

if you're going through hell

Well you know those times
When you feel like there's a sign there on your back
Says I don't mind if ya kick me
Seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You'd think they can't get worse than that
And then they do

You step off the straight and narrow
And you don't know where you are
Use the needle of your compass
To sew up your broken heart
Ask directions from a genie
In a bottle of Jim Beam
And she lies to you
That's when you learn the truth

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Well I been deep down in that darkness
I been down to my last match
Felt a hundred different demons
Breathing fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled
I'd fall right into the trap that they were laying, yeah

But the good news
Is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holding out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one's that you've been dragginig for so long
You're on your knees
You maight as well be praying
Guess what I'm saying

If your going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows your there

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If your scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows your there

Yeah, If your going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there
Yeah, you might get out
Before the devil even knows your there.

If You're Going Through Hell - Rodney Atkins

fear

. . Find a fear
stand it against a wall
and rage at it,
see who is stronger.

. . . fear explored can be a powerful ally . . . ~ sark

once upon a time...ten years ago.

once upon a time....

there was a boy...

and a girl...

walking along the a beach in Narragansett, RI...

when the boy began writing in the sand...

will you marry me...? and got down on one knee. and she said... yes.

(sunset October 30, 1997)

quiet

Just feeling quiet tonight.... lately... Lots going on in my head, but I don't feel strong enough to share.

Same stuff, just having one of those years... :(

Keep hoping. maybe someday will be good enough. maybe someday the time will be right.

sorry to be cryptic. but I guess it's kind of my style.

not sure anyone reads this much anyway.

fear

sometimes it's okay to be scared. sometimes I just need to feel it. almost to remind me that 'I'm real."

I have a fear of the future. I don't really think about it. I don't really prepare myself for it. But I really need to start to. Take better care of myself, educate myself. I have the time. I have no more excuses. (well there are always tons of excuses.)

I think part of it is that I don't really believe in myself. I don't think I'm smart or worth anything. This has gone on for years.

It's time for me to put effort into changing this attitude. letting go of this fear. putting the effort into learning new things and being healthy and changing myself for the better.

I have the support systems. I have resources. I just have a bad tendency to wait for life to happen "to" me. I often find myself not choosing the bold choice, and staying with the safe one.

And I find myself wondering what would have happened if I chose differently.

hrm.

a V8 moment.

WOW.

I was reading a post on a message board I frequent and I came across this bit of advice.

BE your highest self, regardless of the situations in your life, and the situations will shift. it really doesn't work to expect your life to change before you do. ~abc

I swear it leaped off the page at me. Even though this quote wasn't meant directly for me. It sure hit home. Lots of change is coming soon. Some of what I've asked for, and I'm sure some I will have a hard time adapting to. But it is what I make of it. Mountain, or molehill. my decision.

confucious say...

“Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it”
~Confucius

the emotional rollercoaster of a week.

i am so very thankful for my life. i am so very thankful for the scary financial wake up call. yes, it could have been avoided. but whether you believe in god / goddess / higher power or not, I believe it was part of the "plan".

something was needed to really shake my world. make me wake up and take the next step in life. something was needed to make me mature. I really do feel ready to handle the next level of things.

I truly feel confident about our relationship. I've known from the beginning that we have something very special. That's obvious since we've not spent more than a week or two apart in 10 years!

We've completely held each other up this past week, each having our own weak moments, where we are scared, or sad or want to just sit and cry. But I truly know that together we can do anything. And I mean absolutely anything.

He is my hero. He is amazing. And I love him.

who I am

who I am

fresh layer of skin, peel off. you can see a little bit of the real me. ripe. honest. insecure.

facing fears, being honest. no lies today. no hiding. just trusting. like falling from a tree and knowing that I will be caught. And you know what, I was. By the strongest hands that I know. The ones I married. my love.

I want to open up. Be myself. I want people to be able to look into me and see. Really see me. And when I speak, I want them to really know I mean what I say.

Any nastiness, must fly away... out the window, blow away with a passing storm. Any darkness should take the back door, creep down the alley in the night, never to be seen again.

and that age old monster, my jealousy nemesis. some day I will stand up to you. and that day I will be filled with strength. knowing you can never take away my heart.

this is deep. this is true. this is real. this is me.

flying freely. flying now. I am whole. I am blessed.

quick... quick... slow.

Life is almost like a dance. Sometimes you'll be going along slowly and then all of a sudden be sent on a roller coaster ride.

QUICK! QUICK!

As for me, I started on that rollercoaster, but it came crashing to a halt two days ago. I came home from work and basically just felt awful. Fever, weak, exhausted. Hot. Cold.

I'm starting to feel better today, but when you're going to fast, it really throws you off when you have to stop to be gentle with yourself and take care of yourself.

Most likely its a warning sign saying "slow down!" Stop the stressing. One thing at a time.

I'm still not feeling 100%. maybe someday I'll actually get to take a sick day, where I don't work from home. :( I suppose it is partially my fault. I feel responsible for my work and don't like to have to dump it on my coworkers. They have enough to do. Of course, I have no qualms about jumping in and helping them when they are out. I guess I should let go and relax a bit.

Everything will be alright.

I'm just feeling reluctant to get back on the rollercoaster today.

love. love. love.

Today's Message from: The Daily Guru


Thursday 7, June 2007

Love life and yourself

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength while loving someone deeply gives you courage."

-- Lao Tzu

There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance.

We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.

"It matters not Who you love, Where you love, Why you love, When you love, Or how you love, It matters only that you love."

-- John Lennon

"Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?"

-- Frank Scully

new day

starting again. trying to make today better than yesterday. atleast in my world.


And a quote that would have helped yesterday...

"There is a thought in your mind right now. The longer you hold on to it, the more you dwell upon it, the more life you give to that thought. Give it enough life, and it will become real. So make sure the thought is indeed a great one."

-- Ralph Marston

argh! grow up!

jealousy is the one demon that haunts me daily. I think I could conquer any others, but this one is the one that anytime I try makes me think I've outsmarted it than comes back and beats me to a pulp. :(

I can't give up. I can't let it win. I just can't.

quote

We can revel in the luxury of being alive, with full awareness and permission to truly feel that we are enough just "as is".

-- SARK

quote of the day

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be."

-- Lao Tzu

obstacles

"Most of our obstacles would melt away if, instead of cowering before them, we should make up our minds to walk boldly through them."

-- Orison Swett Marden