heavy heart

lately i've just felt heavy hearted. I suppose I should be happy. lots of good things happening in my life. Hope to hear something back about blood tests so we can move forward with our "family", our 10 year anniversary, a vacation is in sight, the holidays, family and friends. But sometimes dark clouds over shadow those good things.

And sometimes the smallest things will set me off.

and leave me gloomy. And sometimes it feels easier to just be that way.

you'd think I'd learn by now that sadness gets me no where. yet I can't shake it.

once upon a time...ten years ago.

once upon a time....

there was a boy...

and a girl...

walking along the a beach in Narragansett, RI...

when the boy began writing in the sand...

will you marry me...? and got down on one knee. and she said... yes.

(sunset October 30, 1997)

dream come true!

Look where I went yesterday!

I love this place! I found myself quietly telling myself to be cool. And many times I resisted the urge to squeal as I turned every corner, not to mention walking through a warehouse of yarn.

And I have to give it to the very best husband in the whole world who patiently walked around with me (carrying a basket for me to put my treasures into) but loved watching me get so excited over this place. Not to mention he LOVED the resident cat that roams about the store and is extremely friendly!

what an awesome day :) I need to take pictures of my treasures.

the emotional rollercoaster of a week.

i am so very thankful for my life. i am so very thankful for the scary financial wake up call. yes, it could have been avoided. but whether you believe in god / goddess / higher power or not, I believe it was part of the "plan".

something was needed to really shake my world. make me wake up and take the next step in life. something was needed to make me mature. I really do feel ready to handle the next level of things.

I truly feel confident about our relationship. I've known from the beginning that we have something very special. That's obvious since we've not spent more than a week or two apart in 10 years!

We've completely held each other up this past week, each having our own weak moments, where we are scared, or sad or want to just sit and cry. But I truly know that together we can do anything. And I mean absolutely anything.

He is my hero. He is amazing. And I love him.

who I am

who I am

fresh layer of skin, peel off. you can see a little bit of the real me. ripe. honest. insecure.

facing fears, being honest. no lies today. no hiding. just trusting. like falling from a tree and knowing that I will be caught. And you know what, I was. By the strongest hands that I know. The ones I married. my love.

I want to open up. Be myself. I want people to be able to look into me and see. Really see me. And when I speak, I want them to really know I mean what I say.

Any nastiness, must fly away... out the window, blow away with a passing storm. Any darkness should take the back door, creep down the alley in the night, never to be seen again.

and that age old monster, my jealousy nemesis. some day I will stand up to you. and that day I will be filled with strength. knowing you can never take away my heart.

this is deep. this is true. this is real. this is me.

flying freely. flying now. I am whole. I am blessed.

love. love. love.

Today's Message from: The Daily Guru


Thursday 7, June 2007

Love life and yourself

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength while loving someone deeply gives you courage."

-- Lao Tzu

There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance.

We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.

"It matters not Who you love, Where you love, Why you love, When you love, Or how you love, It matters only that you love."

-- John Lennon

"Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?"

-- Frank Scully