if you're going through hell

Well you know those times
When you feel like there's a sign there on your back
Says I don't mind if ya kick me
Seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You'd think they can't get worse than that
And then they do

You step off the straight and narrow
And you don't know where you are
Use the needle of your compass
To sew up your broken heart
Ask directions from a genie
In a bottle of Jim Beam
And she lies to you
That's when you learn the truth

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Well I been deep down in that darkness
I been down to my last match
Felt a hundred different demons
Breathing fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled
I'd fall right into the trap that they were laying, yeah

But the good news
Is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holding out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one's that you've been dragginig for so long
You're on your knees
You maight as well be praying
Guess what I'm saying

If your going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows your there

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If your scared don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows your there

Yeah, If your going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there
Yeah, you might get out
Before the devil even knows your there.

If You're Going Through Hell - Rodney Atkins

fear

. . Find a fear
stand it against a wall
and rage at it,
see who is stronger.

. . . fear explored can be a powerful ally . . . ~ sark

one thing at a time

I seem to be overwhelmed lately with work and I'm neglecting my "real" self. I need to take things one at a time. and eventually it will all get done.

I'm trying to stay strong, but it's hard when I feel myself slowly breaking down.

And the worst part it is, there is only more work. There is no break ahead. No light at the end of the tunnel. Just more work. Makes it hard to get up in the morning.

Breathe. This too will pass. Breathe. You can do this.

quiet

Just feeling quiet tonight.... lately... Lots going on in my head, but I don't feel strong enough to share.

Same stuff, just having one of those years... :(

Keep hoping. maybe someday will be good enough. maybe someday the time will be right.

sorry to be cryptic. but I guess it's kind of my style.

not sure anyone reads this much anyway.

bumpy

I've been feeling a bit bumpy these last few days. Sure there is that little thing called a visit from Aunt Flo, but, sometimes I wonder if it is a bit deeper than that.

A little tiredness. A little heartache. I wake from obsessive bad dreams of losing important people in my life.

And that stuff sticks in my head all day.

Where is that peace that I had a few days ago. Where is that trust I felt sure was as solid as a brick wall.

When will I waver back from obsessive and scared to okay again?

fear

sometimes it's okay to be scared. sometimes I just need to feel it. almost to remind me that 'I'm real."

I have a fear of the future. I don't really think about it. I don't really prepare myself for it. But I really need to start to. Take better care of myself, educate myself. I have the time. I have no more excuses. (well there are always tons of excuses.)

I think part of it is that I don't really believe in myself. I don't think I'm smart or worth anything. This has gone on for years.

It's time for me to put effort into changing this attitude. letting go of this fear. putting the effort into learning new things and being healthy and changing myself for the better.

I have the support systems. I have resources. I just have a bad tendency to wait for life to happen "to" me. I often find myself not choosing the bold choice, and staying with the safe one.

And I find myself wondering what would have happened if I chose differently.

hrm.

the emotional rollercoaster of a week.

i am so very thankful for my life. i am so very thankful for the scary financial wake up call. yes, it could have been avoided. but whether you believe in god / goddess / higher power or not, I believe it was part of the "plan".

something was needed to really shake my world. make me wake up and take the next step in life. something was needed to make me mature. I really do feel ready to handle the next level of things.

I truly feel confident about our relationship. I've known from the beginning that we have something very special. That's obvious since we've not spent more than a week or two apart in 10 years!

We've completely held each other up this past week, each having our own weak moments, where we are scared, or sad or want to just sit and cry. But I truly know that together we can do anything. And I mean absolutely anything.

He is my hero. He is amazing. And I love him.

patience

I'm feeling a little uneasy. worried about everything and nothing all at once. needing a break and to be on top of everything.

wondering lately if stress is the culprit of my body not acting as it should... for two months :(

trying not to beat myself up. just take it slow.

god I wish it were friday, even better... saturday.

I need sleep.

patience, dear one. patience. don't let the bad thoughts knocking at your door in.

quick... quick... slow.

Life is almost like a dance. Sometimes you'll be going along slowly and then all of a sudden be sent on a roller coaster ride.

QUICK! QUICK!

As for me, I started on that rollercoaster, but it came crashing to a halt two days ago. I came home from work and basically just felt awful. Fever, weak, exhausted. Hot. Cold.

I'm starting to feel better today, but when you're going to fast, it really throws you off when you have to stop to be gentle with yourself and take care of yourself.

Most likely its a warning sign saying "slow down!" Stop the stressing. One thing at a time.

I'm still not feeling 100%. maybe someday I'll actually get to take a sick day, where I don't work from home. :( I suppose it is partially my fault. I feel responsible for my work and don't like to have to dump it on my coworkers. They have enough to do. Of course, I have no qualms about jumping in and helping them when they are out. I guess I should let go and relax a bit.

Everything will be alright.

I'm just feeling reluctant to get back on the rollercoaster today.

too much

i'm beginning to get that overwhelmed feeling at work again. too much work. no time to do it all. and unfortunately, there is no saying 'hey sorry, I didn't get to it.' no saying, 'no' to customers.

boo. blah. sigh. ugh.

just how I'm feeling today. very blah.

i'd say it's that time of the month... but thats late too. but that usually unpredictable.

sigh.

new day

starting again. trying to make today better than yesterday. atleast in my world.


And a quote that would have helped yesterday...

"There is a thought in your mind right now. The longer you hold on to it, the more you dwell upon it, the more life you give to that thought. Give it enough life, and it will become real. So make sure the thought is indeed a great one."

-- Ralph Marston

argh! grow up!

jealousy is the one demon that haunts me daily. I think I could conquer any others, but this one is the one that anytime I try makes me think I've outsmarted it than comes back and beats me to a pulp. :(

I can't give up. I can't let it win. I just can't.

obstacles

"Most of our obstacles would melt away if, instead of cowering before them, we should make up our minds to walk boldly through them."

-- Orison Swett Marden

to have surgery, or not to have surgery....

that is the question.

The dr. isn't sure what is going on with my knee, but he does know that he can figure it out with surgery. Apparently minor and very common. I think I'm going to opt for an MRI, hopefully figure out what is wrong and then make the decision about surgery.

bleh. scares the crap out of me to think about it. I'm sure it's not as bad as my silly mind makes it out to be. grr. guess it doesn't help that I'm thinking about how to pay for it. I'm sure it's possible, but still... thats money that could have been going towards other bills. grr.. bleh... grr. *sigh*

anyway... I taught myself to knit cables, I'm pretty proud of me right now.

anything to get my mind off the surgery.

sometimes my email affirmations read me like an open book...

The Daily Guru for Monday 25th Of December 2006

Looking for safety?

"Security is when everything is settled, when nothing can happen to you; security is the denial of life."

-- Germaine Greer

Our personality likes to be in control. It likes to know how things are and what’s going to happen. Underlying this desire for stability and predictability is a deep fear that the world is a dangerous place. The personality fears it will not survive without continually being on guard.

The truth is: we cannot control what happens in life. And under the natural law of attraction, we tend to attract to us what we focus on. EXPLORE SUBSTITUTING TRUST FOR FEAR and the world becomes a gentler, happier place.

"There are no guarantees. From the viewpoint of fear, none are strong enough. From the viewpoint of love, none are necessary."

-- Emmanuel

"One thing we can do is make the choice to view the world in a healthy way. We can choose to see the world as safe with only moments of danger rather than seeing the world as dangerous with only moments of safety."

-- Deepak Chopra

thought of the day

if you think you are doomed. you will be.

think change.

~me.

I gotta let it out...

I gotta say it, cause it's eating me alive. I'm scared and worried. I'm trying so hard not to focus on the bad.

Dad goes in for minor surgery on thursday. I'm just scared cause they fucked up the first time they tried.

God help us all just make it to friday.